Claudia

The day has just started, but in my heart I wish it would end soon taking the pain with it. It has been almost a year and it's still difficult walk the corridors of the campus, as if every step is one more note in the endless song that talks me about you. I get down the stairs in direction to the grass, but it's overwhelming find the little black dog that once followed you here sitting over the stone floor, its furr gloomy in your absent. I suspect that just like me, the pour little creature can feel that even if the university keeps working there's something wrong about it, something missing, something more important than classes or exams.

For months I've searched for something that could help me escape from my feelings, leaving behing the anguish that invades me, because in some corner of my withered soul I still believe it's possible to restart life where it was left. In countless ocassions I've sat in the grass to write -in the place where we use to spend hours laughing-, but the constant interruptions haven't let me write more that one or two lines. There have even been days when I just stay there, without touching the paper, just reading the previous work as in it is the key to turn back time, to put things in its right place, to have you back by my side. At last I've managed to finish and correct this words, after burning in pain with thousands of cigarettes.

You well know that this has always been my way to do things, just shut up and carry my wounds in silence until the arrive of the best momento to let them heal. But in my short life I've never felt a sorrow more deep than the one you have left me, and I believe that nothing in the future could be worse. To be honest I don't keep big hopes, specially when I feel that in my head your memory will keep tormenting me. No matter the pain I've felt I've let the images invade me over and over again, so I could tell you this story you know belong to us both, because even though you are not here with me it was written by two.

That november noon had arrived with a strenght that seemed to free us of the terrible weight that the end of the semester had thrown over us. Enough was the fatuity of a clear blue sky and the cool spring breeze to everyone in the yard to fell invaded by a strange joy, as if in the beauty of that day it were possible to find the rest needed in front of the usual troubles of the universitary life. Even the teachers -so many times idolized, so many times hated- showed evident samples of kindness and comprehension so unusual in most of them. The remit was so generalized that nobody felt shocked when one of the youngest professors left the cold seriousness of the classroom to teach in the middle of the yard, sited unshamessly between her students while playing with a flower she found in the grass.

You entered the classroom late as usual. The minute I saw you by the door I felt troubled by feelings I questioned for so long, considering them reprehensible in front of the friendship that in just two years and against all odds we built. You were radiant, as if spring had decided to take your small body to manifest in all its splendour. It was the magic moment that many of us waited, the moment when the simplicity and naturalness of your beauty proved to be immensely superior that the one of our more desired classmates, those with intense blonde hair and bright green or blue eyes, disguised under expensive clothes and with proud presence. You, with your seductive black eyes, your dark, soft skin, your perfect little figure, your long dark hair, you were to everyone's eyes the most fair.

How much I desired to tell you in that instant how captive I felt when I stared at you while you walked the classroom, how stupefied I was when seeing your hair falling free on your back for the first time. More than ever I felt you a woman, I felt you filling all of my being and yet I didn't dare to say a word. A few seconds were enough to show me how clumsy my doubts were and how useless is the voice when facing love, because nothing worried me when in front of anyone -without caring about anything or anyone- you took my hand and gave me the passionate kiss for so long I desired in the darkest of silences.

No voice dared to interrupt us in that instant, a moment so ours and which I hope so much would last forever. I knew we weren't the only ones in the room waiting for that minute to come. Watching your eyes after our kiss was understanding once and for all that there was no point in silence what I felt -and feel- for you, that I could keep lying to myself, lying you. Around us everything was in complete silence, no reproaching looks, no displays of joy, envy or sadness, as if the world had stopped just to contemplate us.

The class continued after a few minutes, but there were in me no desires to pay attention to something more than your hands -holding mine under the table-, your eyes watching me like there were nothing else in that small space, your hair moving swiftly because of the breeze entering through the window. I wanted the time to go faster, I wanted to get out of there, running away with you, kiss you. I wanted to scream that I loved you.

It was a true relief when the professor finished the class, giving us the usual speech about the exams. I took my things back in my pack as fast as I could but you stopped me, got up with no rush and started walking taking firmly my hand. Only now I can understand how much you wanted to spend those instants to be with me, pausing all the instincts both had restrained for so long. When we reached the place where we used to meet every day -and where today I'm finishing to write this words- I could sense the looks and the whispering, coming not only from our classmates but from most of the people there. Feeling you sat by my side as we used to wasn't the same that day, because you were actually with me, becoming part of me. And there we stayed, while the sun followed its path across the city sky, cuddling in complete silence.

When the sky started to darken I left abruptely my lethargy. You got up with no warning, leaving me stupefied and unable to say not even one word that could stop you. When you saw me like that, you bend towards me, kissed me and told me not to worry, fading later behind the door of the women's bathroom. In your absence I though about the time lost, the things I wanted to do because we were finally together, so many things that seemed impossible to do in just one life time. Maybe yo thought the same.

The minutes passed and you weren't back. The moment I heared the screams coming from the bathroom I ran, invaded by a desperated feeling I hoped was far from reality. You don't know how much it hurt when I entered that place. You were laying on the floor, a dozen pills around you, the horrible screams increasing outside.

Tears started to burn my face while I tried to save you. Without even noticing I was inside an ambulance, waiting that you would open your eyes and tell me everything was fine. I was stopped by a door while you were taken into a sad room, and only then I had time to understand what was happening. Your backpack slid through my hands and a book fell from it, a small book covered with pictures of us which I didn't doubt to pick up. I just had to read it to understand everything.

Your parents arrived minutes later, maybe too late. A nurse pointed at me while talking to them -the less I wanted was to face the man that hurt you so much-, but the abrupt arrival of a doctor was more important than anything. His gaze seemed to tell everything, making all the ridiculous tecnicisms those guys use to garnish their speeches really futil.

During the night it started raining. My phone rang all night but there was no use in answering, the words couldn't pass my lips. My heart was too heavy, so it wasn't long before I fell from pain, anger, desperation. You left me in a fair spring day, so fair it started crying the minute you were gone.

I saw many people in your funeral, people that you didn't met and were there only for obligation, girls that suffered of envy in front of you and were falling in tears as fake as their beauty. However, the presence I hated the most was your father's. When the ceremony ended I walked to him with no doubts nor fear to let go all of the pain you had left me, blaming him for your death. When I stopped yelling he walked away, not a tear in his face, but al least everyone knew the truth about your departure.

It has been almost a year and still your pictures are on the display we built together, but nobody speaks about you. Every time someone pass by it I feel gazes over me, as if looking for answers, and to tell you the truth there are no questions to be make. Sometimes I cry when I remember you, though I know you preffer that I remember only the good things we did together. I miss you and often I don't know how I'll go on without you, but in the darkest times you come to me, smiling while you help me get up.

Later today I'll go to leave you this letter and those flowers you like so much. I promise not to cry.